27^th, December, 2005- It was a cold night and a marriage occasion in the happening. I was waiting for her and then she turned up. She looked beautiful, almost angel like, her curls dwindling across her forehead as she tried adjusting  her hair .She held a very pretty red rose in her hands. She walked towards me with a tint of shyness on her face and stood just in front of me. I could feel her breath. Her innocent eyes locked with mine. ”This is for you”, she uttered softly.”I smiled and accepted the rose with thanks. A few eyes stared towards us as the exchange happened but we did not bother. I kept the rose with me till it withered with time and I guess I kept the feeling too.

27^th, December, 2011-6 years is a very long time. The cycle repeated again. A lot had changed down the half decade; we had loved, and we had fought, loved again, broke up, became friends but then it all ended. This was a face-off after the end. It was another marriage occasion. She stood across the road around 6 feet away from me on the other side of the road. It was just outside the marriage place.  She had put on a bit of weight and she looked very grown up in a black sari. Her curls had disappeared giving way to fashionable straightened hair. It did look good but it could not match the natural curls which existed before. She faced in my direction and I tried smiling at her but she did not respond. She just looked away, avoiding me and my offered greeting. It felt bad but things had undergone a drastic change between us over the years. It was not like before anymore now. I looked down in disappointment clenching my fists in unexpected frustration. She should not have mattered after all that she had done. I failed to ignore her in the first go itself. She left for her home, to change as the sari would have made her moving around uncomfortable. I too left to my friend’s place as we would be meeting after a long time.

The wintry evening was making its way in but the chill was moderate, nothing like the cold you hear of in the north of the country. North-east has a much more moderate and pleasant weather. I returned after an hour with my friend. The number of people had increased. And slowly it was getting crowded, the bride and the groom sat   towards the right of the entrance on a slightly raised platform. The guests sat on a limited number of seats available around the raised platform with a gap in between for the way to the dining hall. People entered being welcomed by the family members of the bride and then proceeded towards gifting the newly wed couple. The night was in taking over from the evening, still the chill limited. It was a joyous occasion, chuckles, greetings, meeting with old acquaintances, reuniting with pals all happening there .I was chatting with my friend when a friend came out with a tray full of cake pieces. Soon the tray got empty, me and my friend also playing a part in it. Just after a few minutes she was out with a tray full of cake pieces. This time, she was in a salwar looking much more comfortable and mobile than when in sari. I thought of picking up a piece of cake from her tray but I just could not make up my mind in time and the cakes were over in minutes. I missed a few more cake pieces and another opportunity to talk to her. It should have been easy; we were no longer the shy teenagers. It was just not happening. I did not even feel like walking up to her and make a conversation. I continued chatting with my friend trying to ignore her. She was right in front of us, talking to a bunch of friends, as another friend came out and started taking pics of the group .We walked out of that place towards another road which lead to my home. “She is not even noticing you,” my friend spoke.”Yeah, I guess she took my words very seriously”, I replied. We walked back towards the marriage pandaal again.

I was looking for water, when I saw her coming from the opposite direction. She came closer with a friend. We were almost next to each other. No hint of familiarity, again both of us kept our determination to avoid each other at all costs .I was walking out when she just stood in front of the door. I just nudged her gently and walked past her without any “Excuse me” on offer. I had dumped the courtesy just to get back on her for not responding to my smile. I hope she realized that. There was no reaction from her for the push; my ungentlemanly behavior going unpunished. I felt gutted not talking to her once again .It was not ego, I did not even feel any hatred towards her but somehow I could not force myself to approach her. Even though I was enjoying the whole atmosphere, she was providing a tough challenge. I thought it would be easy avoiding her, not thinking about the past but it had been all but easy.

I went in for the dinner with my friend as it was getting late for him. I and another friend of ours walked him home and then returned. After everyone finished their dinner it was time to dance. I was in great touch that day. Few of the dancers were high but they could be excused on celebratory grounds. We swayed to the beats of mandaar and nagada (musical instruments), the dancing group singing the song themselves. The limited space could not limit our spirits. There were almost three groups all equally enthusiastic losing themselves to the beats. We formed arcs holding the hands of the adjacent person and following the leader, the person leading the arc. Sometimes   we would be sandwiched between the other two groups but we continued. Everyone was enjoying themselves. Whenever I felt that my heart would beat out of my chest I took a break. Unable to resist the enthusiastic dance I jumped in again. This kept happening with everyone. Even uncles joined in for some time. It was worth of a recording. She joined the group too, and picked up the steps fast .It was easy, just needed to follow the beats of the instruments.  The friend she was holding hands with went on a break and the guy between me and her also went out to cut down on the fatigue.  Inadvertently our hands locked. I could not believe what was happening. We were so close but there was no feeling in that touch. We did not even turn towards each other. We just continued for a minute and then she left the group. I don’t know what went through her head and heart when our hands met but I was startled at the distance that had grown between us. 

Our relationship had died. May be it was breathing its last but it was nearing permanent termination. So many moments passed by during the marriage but there was not a single piece of communication between us. When we were walking to see off the groom’s side guests she was next to me, but we still managed to behave like strangers. I felt bad, and a little bit sad unable to believe the chances we got to converse with each other. And none of them were taken by either of us. It was true I had distanced her from me and when she had asked if we could remain friends I had not given her a confirmation. But it never came to me; I will still struggle to look past her. I knew we would never get back together and to kill any leftover feelings I was skeptical over being friends too. The feelings for her could have taken control. I was afraid but I wished we could be friends again; just friends.6 years back it had been a different ending to that day. We were so much in love then. Now, it was completely opposite, love had been betrayed and friendship was on the line. I had no clue if our friendship deserved to be rescued.

I tried meeting her on New Year Eve as well as the New Year day. She did not turn up for the both of the Holy-Mass .I tried for the one last time to meet her just to let her know that we can remain friends. I called her friend and asked her to set up a meeting. She did not confirm anything but she told she would give it a try. I Okayed to it and kept the phone. It was a ultra gloomy 1^st of January. We were outside for a function in a relative’s place, another festive occasion.  

 The clouds ruled the sky giving the sun a much needed winter break. The sunshine of the past week would have fatigued sun itself. As the afternoon approached the clouds grew greyer. It was pretty cold and soon it was going to get damp. I waited for her friend’s call hoping she could turn up just for a five minutes talk. I regretted the marriage day when we had plenty of instances to chatter. My heart grew anxious and its state was being reflected by the 1^st January weather almost perfectly. It was very dull and grey, devoid of any brightness as if someone has died or someone dear is leaving to a faraway place with a minimal chance of return. Soon it began to rain, not heavy but still enough to make one wet and highly susceptible to illness in the wintry chill. Her friend called me up,” Sorry, she can’t come as she is leaving town today” .I stood still and quiet, and expressionless.”Hello, you there?” she questioned.”Yeah, I heard you, thanks”, I barely managed to reply. The quietness outside made the end even more pronounced. ”Come inside,” my aunty yelled. I nodded towards her. I joined my hands, closed my eyes and looked up at the heavens and after a moment headed inside.