I Loved her...
I never believed it was ever possible. But that night she died in me for good I guess. I was no where near ecstatic when I realized it was finally over. My heart was heavy,dejected but resigned to fate. It felt nothing for her,all the memories,all the good times just disappeared like a blur. I was almost a stoic for a few moments when a tear drop trickled down my cheek. I could have looked unmoved from the outside but there was pain within,which was controllable just because of a healer called time. Letting her go would never be easy. We used to be so good together,walking along hand in hand,looking in each others eyes and getting lost. Those good times never ever brought a feeling that we would ever part in any possible way. You can never foresee the future,never ever.
I stood alone now,with no sign of her anywhere. The wind had grown cold as November commenced. It was dark outside and a darkness grew inside me. I did not want to see her again. That lovely face,her chubby cheeks,the curly hair on her forehead dancing in front of her eyes to the tunes of the breeze. Her soothing smile,making her look even more beautiful. That face had lost its essence in the eyes of my heart,lost its meaning,lost the feel which made me wait for her after the school,outside the church just to catch a glimpse of her. The light had gone out on the brightness,shine she brought on my face once. I just stared into the darkness,the nothingness empathizing with the void within me.
The confession of our love for each other was unforgettable. We knew it was never going to be a no from either side. Our eyes said it all,and I cried that day with the sheer disbelief that it was not a dream. I was there with her,just me and her expressing the feelings,the care and love for each other with such sincere hearts. We were young,very young, but it was real,and for those few minutes you can wait for a lifetime. I was in love,and she too loved me. It was unbound ecstasy,a contentment within,a happiness which you can find when you sway with the nature. When you feel the magic of the raindrops,the peace in the breeze,the enigma of the high mountains,the purity of the snow-clad peaks,the freedom of the rivers joyously running down the slopes.
I had become a prisoner,prisoner of her love. The chains of hope no matter how false kept me bounded. I always thought,she would eventually return to me and come back home. An unending wait for her within forced me into calling her,hear her voice,revive those moments which I bet she will never feel the same with anyone else. I kept trying,hoping for my hope to come to fulfillment. There were few sparks but just one-sided. She had made our love just another phase in her life. I no longer was the person her heart missed,her heart longed for. I had become a past,a memorable character,may be just a good samaritan who helped her along the way. I was no more indispensable for her.
Did not my kisses meant anything to her. I hugged her when we knew we will not meet for long as I had to leave town for pursuing higher studies. I did not want to let her go,did not want to leave her hands. I wanted to cry on her shoulders,keep crying till she rubbed the tears of my cheeks. I kissed her on the cheeks. Her soft skin letting my lips caress them. I kissed on her forehead and looked in her eyes. They were almost overflowing with tears,the inevitable separation weakening her. I was in tears too afraid to loose her,afraid of losing us to oblivion. I had to leave and I did;leaving her behind,leaving our love to stand the test of time.
I thought we will pass it. But we failed,she failed us and I became just another face for her.
She betrayed me,betrayed our love. The magic of the rain drops had died. The mountains stood tall whispering to me,requesting me to be indifferent to my emotions preaching stoicism. The cool wind of the night tried to comfort me wiping away my tear drops. The sky had a glow from the moon ,trying to cheer me up,I thought. The betrayal almost killed the love I had for her.But my heart was more stubborn than I had anticipated. It would not let her go like this away from me,away from us,away for good. I know I was not a perfect person but she made me better. I know I had hurt her but I always tried to make up for it. We could have worked it out,given it more time and set things right. She walked away from me for good,forever; finding the perfection in someone else.
It was almost two years now. I had to move on,move ahead,let the pain inside me flow out so that love can take its place. I had to overcome the hatred, the anger I grew for her. I had to forgive her,forgive her for she was also human. I had to let her go,let her be happy with her life and make myself stronger and a better person. I could not go on like this with so much of hatred inside me. I had to let the light inside me, to fight the darkness camped within me. Her death was the only way out for me .I had to let her die within me,in my heart and then only I could live again. Then only I could love again,be free from those chains of false hope and accept the reality.
The moon became brighter and even the stars had appeared now,lighting up the path on which I walked alone. I thought I was lost, but now I could see my home at a distance. I knew my loved ones would be waiting for me.I kept walking.
4 comments
bro....v seriously need to meet n talk at leisure..cum hme 4 christmas..
ReplyDeletecant say anythng...its real tat i knw...
ReplyDeleteU have a gr8 writing style bro...keep up the good work...after reading this article, it reminded me of my past as well...really touchy..:)
ReplyDeleteThanks Bardan .I had a terrible experience too and I wrote it with a hope that it will help to move on and it has up-to an extent.
ReplyDelete